I sometimes feel ashamed that I'm not a better sports fan. I mean, I'm a red-blooded American male, like any other. I like to drink beer. I tend to make disturbing and sometimes shocking bodily noises when eating, watching TV or . . . when doing neither of these things. I always bring ample reading material to the toilet with me. And, oh yeah, I think watching two girls make out is cool. All this, and yet I never seemed to acquire the gene that causes other males to obsess over sports statistics. Why not, I often wonder? Is there something wrong with me?

It's not that I dislike sports. I don't mind watching a basketball or baseball game now and then. But I definitely won't go out of my way to do so. And I'm useless in trying to keep up with scores, player stats, contracts, salaries, or anything of that kind. If I'm told a batting average, for instance, I immediately forget it.

Then there's golf. Watching golf is the ultimate sign of a true sports junkie. I've known men who not only watch golf on TV, but will schedule time in their day to do so. This just makes no sense to me. In my opinion, it must be an act of desperation for people who have some sort of uncontrollable physical addiction to watching a sports event at all times or suffer a massive mental collapse. But golf? They can't possibly enjoy it.

When I was a bartender at a Dallas bar that attracted a lot of die-hard sports enthusiasts, I perfected the art of masking what I didn't know about current sports news by framing the discussion around what I did know. This usually worked well, because most guys talking sports in a bar really only want to hear their own opinions anyway. So I might pick up some random bit of news on my way into work about a fight that broke out between two players at the previous night's basketball game and all I had to say to one of the regulars was, "Pretty crazy what happened last night at the Mavs game, huh?" And that was enough to get the 'conversation' going for a couple of minutes. I'd nod my head a lot then find a quick one-liner or joke to round things out. We'd share a laugh and as far as he knew, I was a sports nut, just like him. I'm not saying it was pretty. But it was a necessary measure to take in my line of work. When you're in the trenches with other sports fans, it's all about instinct, survival.

But I always got a slight reprieve from my sports-knowledge inadequacies during football season. I've always enjoyed a good pro-football game. There's just something comforting about holing up for the day at home and watching the games unfold. The enjoyment is peaked by the onset of cooler fall weather and the consumption of foods like chicken wings, pizza, and of course, beer. (And yes, beer is food.) I'm still not great on remembering stats, scores, and percentages, but I definitely like to watch the games, especially when my favorite teams are playing, namely the Broncos, Steelers, and recently the Patriots.

Catherine likes to tell a story about when we were first dating and I told her I couldn't go out with her and celebrate the recent completion of her exams because I was watching a Broncos game. That almost ended things for us, right then and there. The ironic part is Catherine's probably a bigger football fan than I am, now.

So here's to you, football season, in all your pomp and glory. I may not have the male sports gene, but I'm glad you've come back for another year.

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