The other night I had a dream about Stephanie, an old friend of mine from high school. She and I became close friends sometime during our freshman or sophomore year. We took photos together, had a similar taste in music and books, and generally shared an overall cynical outlook on life, which always led to a lot of sarcastic jokes. She was witty and had a quick sense of humor.

She died during her sophomore year of college at UT in a car crash.

Somebody asked me recently if I had a 'thing' for Steph. I guess the answer to that is that I might have had a 'thing' for her someday, but at that time, we were honestly just friends, and that was good. Neither of us probably knew what we wanted out of the idea of 'romance' so any effort made in that direction probably would have ended in disaster and we knew that. So better not to screw it up. (Actually, thinking back, pretty much all of my 'romantic' relationships were disasters until I met Catherine.)

Steph and I went to different colleges, but kept in touch via letters. (That's right: letters. Email had not yet become a household word.) Mitch was the one who called and told me she had been killed in a car crash - somebody ran a stop sign and blindsided her. It was shortly after Thanksgiving, 1993. A couple of days after my birthday. I remember sitting on my bed listening to Smashing Pumpkins, a band she really liked, and just being stunned that somebody I knew who was my age, who had a restless interest in almost everything, who was so smart and so real, could now be dead. I wrote a letter to her parents. I spoke with friends. And basically, I was sad for a long time.

I still think about Steph every once in a while, but usually not in any concrete way. It's more of an abstract thing that will pop into my mind during a certain song or event. So it's very strange that some 12 years later I've had not one, but two vivid dreams about her. The first one was a couple of months ago, so I've already forgotten a lot of the details because I didn't write them down. But I do remember that we made out in the dream, which was really weird given our platonic history. We also talked a lot, but I don't remember about exactly what. In the second dream, which I had a couple of days ago, I remember more details. In this dream, she drove up in a jeep wrangler (she used to drive a Ford pick-up, so not sure where the Jeep came from). She was very happy and excited about something. I asked her if she was okay and she said she was doing fine. I asked her if the previous dream I had had been real, if she remembered it, too. She said she did and it was. Then she gave me a big kiss and drove off.

It's definitely weird how a dream can throw you off-kilter for a time afterwards, how it kind of disrupts your normal modes of thought. I've been trying to come up with reasons why Steph has made these random appearances in my dreams and have thought of a few possibilities. (Sorry, Catherine, I still haven't reached any conclusions as to why they involve kissing.) Anyway, here they are:

1. This past weekend I hung out a lot with somebody named Stefanie. Stephanie and Stefanie look nothing alike. Stephanie was fair-skinned, blond hair, blue eyes. Stefanie is tan, dark hair, and brown eyes. They are also different in just about every other regard as far as their interests go. Moreover, they spell their names differently. Still, hanging out with a 'Stefanie' may have jarred some sort of sub-conscious memory which led to my dream of 'Stephanie.'
2. Catherine and I have taken a liking to the TV show Gray's Anatomy. There is a secondary character on that show who Dr. O'Malley dates once. I don't know the character's name and she's not pictured on the Web site, but she reminds me of Stephanie for some reason. A strange and completely unrelated side note is that this character gave Dr. O'Malley syphilis last season. (I don't claim sense-making here. Just the facts, ma'am.)
3. Recently, I've been playing some songs off The Commitments soundtrack, a movie I saw for the first time with Steph.
4. Last week I had lunch with Stephanie's best friend from high school. Whenever we get together, Steph usually comes up somewhere in the conversation.
5. Smashing Pumpkins has been in my iPod rotation a little more than usual.
6. Another friend of mine that I hung out with this weekend, who also, it so happens, is interested in photography, was badly injured in a car crash several years ago. And I think that each occurred in a pick-up truck.

These are some good theories on why I had the dream this week. In fact, as I write that last one out, I'm actually a tad freaked out by it. Given all of this I suppose it should be no surprise that Steph may have been in my subconscious. But the fact remains that my first dream of her occurred well before this weekend and before any of the above concurrencies.

So then there is the other possibility, one that I can't help but wonder about, despite my better (meaning 'reality-based') judgement. Maybe I did not think of Steph at all. Maybe the dreams were a result of nothing I thought, consciously, subconsciously, or otherwise. Maybe I had no role in it whatsoever. Maybe what happened is that she thought of me. Typically, I'm not somebody who believes in spirits or communicating with the dead, but I have to admit that I have my doubts when something like this happens. I've also had several dreams about my grandfather and, every time, it disturbs me for days. At the same time that it's disturbing, however, it's also very comforting when dead loved-ones appear in my dreams. It's comforting because it's nice to hold on to a hope that there may be communication and some sort of existence after death. And that those that are close to us actually never leave. Here's the thing: Every time I've had a dream about somebody who is dead, they have been happy. It makes me a little less scared.

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