Oh, no.

Oh, shit.

Do you ever feel yourself about to do something that you don't want to do, and yet you can't really stop yourself from doing it? I'm about to do that right now. I'm about to get hypochondriacal on your ass. Here we go . . . sit back and enjoy.

Ever since a back surgery I had 6 years ago (and for about 9 years before that), I've had various aches and pains in my back, hips, and legs. I say this not to solicit sympathy (though feel free to send me gift certificates for massages, if you like). No, I've actually become quite fond of these various ailments and afflictions. Weird, but true. I mean, they are, after all, my ailments and, without them, I'm not sure I'd be the same person. I've come to understand and accept them. Without them, I'd be lost.

What I've come to realize is that everybody has something weird going on with their bodies, from irritable bowels, to bad knees, to kidney problems, to erratic hearts. If a disc issue, a bit of arthritis, and lingering nerve pain is all I've got wrong, then I'm okay with that. Really.

However, here's where I must qualify things: I do have a touch of the hypochondria. Just an intsy bit. It's not the crazy ugly sort of hypochondria that sends me to the doctor every week (I actually hate going to the doctor). It's more of the cuddly, adorable sort of hypochondria, the kind that peaks its fluffy head out every now and again and says, 'Look at me! Remember me? I do exist as a part of your personality." And when that happens, I have to stroke its ego a little and give in to an otherwise common-sensical grasp over my own health. Subsequently, when new complaints crop up, even though they could logically be considered signs and symptoms of something relatively benign, like my existing back problems, I become convinced that they are actually symptoms of much larger, more menacing issues.

So when I started having some pain in the region of my inner left thigh, lower abdomen, and left groin area, while my rational mind said, 'This is probably a side effect of your back issues, my panicky, throw-all-reason-to-the-wind mind said one thing: C-A-N-C-E-R. Of the testicular sort. (Now just so you understand where I stand in terms of maturity, every time I write the word testicle, or a variation thereof, I will hereafter chuckle a little bit to myself. You won't necessarily see this or hear it, but trust me, I'm doing it. I wish I could help it.)

So yeah, a quick search of the Internet told me that pain in 'that area,' when you're a 30-(ahem, something)-year-old male, can actually be related to any number of things, from a groin pull to (ah-ha!) lower back problems (okay, yes, this made sense), to bladder/urinary infections (maybe, but there was no burning sensations), to lack of sexual activity (wasn't sure what that was exactly, but it sounded really bad), to too much sexual activity (this must have been some strange dialect - the words 'too much' in front of 'sexual activity' didn't really make sense to me), to an STD (one benefit of getting a marriage license in Texas is the mandatory STD test - I felt pretty safe on this one). Yes, there were a broad range of possibilities, including the thing my mouse-clicks kept finding: 'that thing of which I do not speak.' The C word. Yes, the Internet can be a dangerous place for the casual hypochondriac such as myself.

The days and weeks went on, and despite my increasing awareness of a problem, I avoided going to the doctor for a good 10 months. Finally, I went to see a chiropractor because I was still of the strong conviction that this was probably caused by something back-related. After several visits and still having recurring symptoms it was the chiropractor who suggested maybe this was something else. The word she used was 'organic.' "Maybe this is something organic," she said. I had a feeling she wasn't referring to the kinds of vegetables I buy at Whole Foods. This kind of organic sounded completely unnatural.

This broke me. It was time to act! Thus began a series of trips to various doctors from orthopedics to urologists who performed various tests. First, I had an MRI of my back as a baseline, just to see where thing stand. It came back 'normal' for somebody who had had a previous back surgery. A term they like to use in test results is 'remarkable' or 'unremarkable.' My lumbar MRI was 'unremarkable.' I felt so inadequate. So normal.

Next, I had a hip/SI-joint x-ray. This test was more fruitful - it showed some arthritis in my left hip and SI joint. Ah-ha! I've read a lot about this SI joint thing, and a case of the arthritis in that region can lead to some definite issues. It certainly explained a lot of things that I'd been feeling for the last several years. Yes, this made sense. Now we were getting somewhere!

Still the doctors didn't seem very impressed. It didn't necessarily adequately explain the inner thigh/groin thing to them, so just to be thorough, more tests were ordered. The next one was an ultrasound of my pelvis and - ahem - gonads. (The words for 'balls' are so rich, aren't they?) This was by far the most enjoyable test, as it had an element of interactivity to it. Also, it involved the application of a slippery ointment to my nether-region, something I normally only get after a sufficient amount of begging. And the smooth metal device sliding gently over one testicle, then the other, sending waves of sound into my scrotum and a strange moving image onto the screen above me? That, my friend, was pure bonus. Nevermind the fact that the room, ointment, and metal device were freezing cold! I particularly enjoyed watching when colors appeared. I learned that whenever there was color on the screen, it signified blood flow and that this was good. I could make the screen light up with these colors by pushing gently ('Like you're going to have a bowel movement,' the technician told me.) Her name was Katie. She knew how to talk dirty.

So, yeah. The pelvis/testicle ultrasound, while vaguely stimulating (the same way dipping your balls in a glass of ice water was stimulating), was again 'unremarkable.' Only this time, I was quite glad to be normal. But, I'm kind of back to square one now. With some of the more serious (organic) issues ruled out, it seems to me to bring things back to the back/SI joint theory. So far the doctors I've seen tend to agree. But I'm pretty sure that's only because they really have no idea what else it could be. I'll be seeing a sports medicine guy soon to see what he has to say. He specializes in groin-related injuries.

So, for now, this is where the story ends. And, again, I'm fine with that. I've changed my workout routine over the last month to something a little less rigorous, and I think it has really helped. That, and a daily anti-inflammatory has put things pretty well under control. Also the weather has changed, which sounds weird to say, but it could be a factor with arthritis.

So there it is.

Phew!

Now that I've gotten all that out, I can safely put this post behind me and move on to other things.

Have a good weekend.

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