Please. I beg of you. Any kind will do, really. It doesn't have to be sugar sugar. It doesn't even have to be sticky sweet. Honey, molasses, brown sugar - sure, these would be nice. But how about, oh I don't know, a nice bowl of cheerios, maybe. It's only got one gram - one stinkin' gram - of sugar. But it's got 20 glorious grams of carbs per serving. And that's how hard up I am. Okay, no cheerios? How about bread? Plain old bread would be divine. You see? I'm not asking for a lot here. It could be a chunk of baguette, or some ciabatta, or just some sliced whole grain stuff in a bag. Some jam on top. Smother me in that shit. Of course, if you're feeling especially generous, I could go for a nice tall glass of Cap City Pale Rider Ale, full of hoppy, grainy goodness. I'll tip my head back like this, see? - Hold on, let me just tie back my hair. - Okay. We're all good. Now let me get into position. There. Na, ja pu ii eun ma oen ouw . . . sorry . . . I guess it's kind of hard to hear me like that . . . I said, just pour it right into my open mouth. You might hear me make some unpleasant gurgling sounds. You might think I'm choking. But don't let that stop you. Please.

I'm sorry. I know I sound desperate. Or slightly deranged. I've got a little bit of the sugar withdrawal going on. So please excuse anything I say. See, Sunday I started a low-starch, low-carb (read: low sugar) diet. This might sound absurd for those of you who know me, that is, those of you who see me on a regular basis. I've never been one who needed to 'diet,' and I'm still not. I'm not exactly sure what my 'recommended weight' is, but I'm willing to bet I'm under it. This has nothing to do with pounds. It's got everything to do with sugar. And did I mention I kinda like that stuff?

Actually, it's not that I really love sugar or anything, I mean not any more than the next guy. It's just that, well, try to get through a normal day in America without eating something loaded with sugars. It's hard as hell. Let's begin with my usual breakfast: cereal, toast, maybe some jam, yogurt, and orange juice. We're not exactly talking about Cocoa Puffs here, but you know what? It's all still loaded with freakin' sugars. Even things that don't really have to contain sugar - like the yogurt. Okay, how about lunch? A sandwich. Deli meats. Maybe a bag of chips. Perhaps a tasty oatmeal cookie from Potbelly's. All sugar, brother. Even most deli meats have sugar in them, so getting rid of that bread doesn't mean shit. Potbelly's calls it 'skinny' with half the bread. My ass. Okay, let's move on to dinner. Great! How about a pizza? Sure, that's my favorite! You really know how to charm a guy. Okay, well how about 100 grams of starch? Aw, come on. You're no fun.

What this means is that, in a typical day, without even trying very hard, I might as well be main-lining starch and processed sugar into my system. And I don't even eat a lot of 'sweets.'

So what's the deal, Dave? Why have you become this big no-sugar zealot? Good question. If you've been reading this blog for any amount of time, you probably know that I have some recurring back issues. They're not consistent back issues, though. The issues tend to shift and change shape and move from one part of my spine to the other. I have also had a previous operation in which I had a portion of disc and bone removed. So this, combined with the ever-shifting focus of the pain usually leads most doctors to write my complaints off to 'general back pain.' They pat me on the head, give me some anti-inflammatories, and send me home. But lately, the pain has been something different. Deeper, and more alarming. I know I'm a borderline hypochondriac, but even I could tell something was seriously not right when I would wake up in the morning barely able to move, back and chest tight with a deep uncomfortable stiffness and a stomach full of lead. So I did some research and found something that just about perfectly described me: low-back pain that is worse at night, in the morning, or after inactivity, stiffness and limited motion in the low back, hip pain and stiffness, limited expansion of the chest, limited range of motion, especially involving spine and hips, shoulders, neck pain, fatigue, chronic stooping. It's called Ankylosing Spondylitis, which is as fun to say as it is to talk about. If you're wondering where you can sign up, you can't. There's no waiting list. You have to have a specific antigen present in your blood called HLA-B27, which is hereditary. So if you want in on some of this fun, don't come whining to me, take it to your mom or dad. HLA antigens also happen to be found in about 7% of the population, so just having them in your blood doesn't necessarily mean anything. However, if they are present and you wake up each morning with the sensation of a giant steel meat hook inserted into your spine, your chances are pretty good. So I asked my doc for the test. She gave it to me, a bit begrudgingly, not convinced. She actually seemed a bit surprised when it came back positive. Sometimes I wonder if doctors ever lift a medical reference once they're out of med school.

AS is a type of arthritis, so I'm seeing a rheumatologist next week. But in the meantime, I've been doing some research, including scouting out all the different AS sites that are out there, which is about as great a way to spend a Friday night as you can imagine. While it isn't officially recognized as a treatment, one thing that seems to keep popping up again and again from various people is that cutting back on starches helps alleviate symptoms. One doctor has done some research and even published a diet. It hasn't proven effective for everybody, so it's not universally accepted as a treatment option, per se, but some people have found it to be really helpful.

So I'm going to give it a couple of weeks of very low carbs and starches and see what happens. While I'd love for it to work, a secret part of me hopes that it doesn't. Then I could go back to my old sugar-infested dreamworld where I lounge in a pool of syrup while women in French maid outfits hand feed me powdered-sugar coated crepes. But if nothing else, this will force me to eat a little better for two weeks, and maybe some of it will stick, even if there's no great reason to do it other than the whole 'better overall health' thing. I really do think Americans eat too much starch. Period.

Already, I've noticed some positive results of the low-starch diet. For one thing, it's made me appreciate food in an entirely different way. I never thought my response to a broccoli and cauliflower casserole mixed with chicken and bacon and smothered in cheese would be, "Hell yeah! Pile me up some of that." If you mash it up, cover it in cheese, and close your eyes, cauliflower can seem a lot like potatoes. Yum.

I'm also learning new smoothie recipes. Plain yogurt (no sugar added), plain soy milk, blackberries and strawberries mixed up in a blender makes a crazy good breakfast treat, and helps wash down those cholesterol-filled eggs and bacon that you're substituting for cereal.

Finally, as Barry Schwartz and Daniel Gilbert have suggested, having fewer choices in my diet has, in many respects, made me much happier. No kidding. For instance, when I'm at the store in the soda aisle, I no longer have to decide between the Pepsi brand of dark carbonated sugar or the Coke brand. Also, when I'm at RFD or Brickskeller, I no longer have to torture myself over which of the hundreds of beers I should drink. In both situations, the answer is simple: water. In other words, none of the above. Which is a wonderful answer in that, since there's only one choice, I can never make a wrong decision! Moreover, I can never really be disappointed with the outcome, unless the water smells funny, or has ants floating in it.

The same choice vs. happiness principal applies with food. I no longer wonder what I'm going to eat for dinner. The answer is always simple: not starch. This narrows down the options considerably and makes me much happier with what I do end up eating. In fact, since yesterday, I've discovered I'm not so much concerned with what I'm eating as whether or not I'm eating at all. I guess you could say that my lack of food choice has made me much happier with the concept of food in general. Of course, I'm not sure if this really has to do with my lack of choices, so much as with my ravenous hunger.

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