Grilling Instructions

This weekend we broke in our new shiny red grill. I haven't had my own grill since we moved from Dallas almost four years ago. So as you might expect, I was a bit rusty in the art of grilling, not just because it had been so long since I used one, but because the only type of grill I had any experience with was of the gas variety. And this time I had made the switch to all-charcoal. Now, I've observed the act of charcoal grilling countless times. My dad, my grandfather, friends, acquaintances. I figured the whole thing would be instinctual on some primal level. That if I just gathered the raw materials - grill, charcoal, lighter fluid, matches - that nature would just take it's course. Puppies don't need to be told where they can find food when they first enter the world and grown men don't need to be told how to grill. I stood there on the deck and waited for the intuitive knowledge to happen. But I felt nothing. I tried scratching my balls. I farted. Strangely, none of this seemed to help.

On the ground were the instructions that had come with the grill. I eyed them suspiciously. Looking around me to see if any of my neighbors were watching from their yards, I inched closer to the manual, feeling more and more emasculated the closer I got. Casually, I kicked it open with my foot. Then, with my back to the yard so the neighbors couldn't see what I was doing, I knelt down and scanned through the "grill preparation" section.

Looking back, I have to say the manual gave some interesting...suggestions, but I quickly determined that—because I only had two turkey burgers to grill and not steaks for twenty—I would do things differently. Clearly, these instructions were for people with many mouths to feed. This was just two burgers for C and me. Surely, I'd be able to cut a few corners. And I was right! I'm not selfish when it comes to information, so I thought I'd go ahead and share my special method with all of you:

First, even though the instructions tell you to use enough charcoal to cover the entire bottom of the grill with a single layer of briquettes, you want to actually use the smallest amount of briquettes possible. Because, after all, you're only grilling two turkey burger patties. It's hard to give an exact measurement, here. You really just have to go with your gut. As a rule of thumb, try to use an amount that you would almost describe as "woefully inadequate." Then, place the briquettes in a small pyramid in the center of your grill.

Next, apply the same rough measurement of lighter fluid, or less, to the briquettes. Basically, you want to make sure that the briquettes burn out shortly after you light them. Then, even though the instructions tell you never to apply lighter fluid to lit or hot coals, go back and pour a liberal amount of the stuff on top of those babies. Also, use the smallest Bic lighter possible to light the coals, making sure to put your hand up nice and close so that the resulting poof of flame singes the hair from your forearm.

The next step is crucial if you're going to get the right flavor and consistency to your burgers. Even though the instructions might tell you to wait a good 15 to 30 minutes for the grill to get nice and hot, you should actually wait a fraction of that time. You'll know you've done this correctly if you put the patties on the grill and there is absolutely no sizzling sound. You can verify the correct temperature by holding your hand down near the coals. You should be able to keep it there for several seconds without having to withdraw it.

Now, keep the patties on the grill with the lid closed and the vents open, slow-smoking those suckers for a good 10 or 15 minutes per side. Wait until they've reached a nice brown color on the outside, but are still a bit raw in the middle. You'll know you've kept them on long enough when you hear the sound of your pride getting drowned out by the growling sound in your belly. At that point, remove them from the grill and cook them all the way through on a gas range using a skillet which your wife has pre-heated for you. (You can also use an electric stove, but the end results may vary.)

Prepare your favorite side-dishes separately and serve. You're welcome.

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