One of the only times it's acceptable to look in a stranger's closet is when you're in the market to purchase their house. I've looked inside a lot of people's closets over the last several months. And since trading in tits and tats is way up against the weakening U.S. dollar, a lot of people have looked inside mine. But I've always been taught that if somebody is coming to look inside your closets, it's common courtesy to get out of the house while they do it. I mean it's just good manners. Otherwise it leads to all kinds of awkwardness. Those? No, those aren't my handcuffs . . . unless you want them to be, Love. And look, about those . . . all I can say is it takes a lot of jars of mayonnaise to fill up a bathtub, okay? But people in Essex County, New Jersey — Montclair and the surrounding townships — just aren't up on their house-selling etiquette. They stay home. And it's a bit weird — and not just because of the closet thing. It's difficult to be objective about a house — to really see it as "yours" — when the owner is sitting in the kitchen reading the paper. Or worse, when the owner is actually showing you around their house, explaining the history of everything in it. When you're in that kind of situation, you aren't free to say what you really think about a place. And even if you know the minute you step through the front door that this is not the house, you feel somewhat obligated to at least do the walk-through. And you find yourself saying the most incredible things, like, "Oh, I love what you've done with this room." When you most definitely do not love what they've done to it, or any other room in the house. And you have to stop yourself from saying things like, "Does it always smell this way in here?" Or, "You do realize that Walmart is not an art gallery, don't you?" Or, "Wow, this bathroom brings back great memories of my Freshman dorm." Because if you did, well, it might come across the wrong way.

These people just don't understand. They are not in sales. And they have no business being in their house if they actually want somebody to buy it. Because buyers have to be able to tear apart the house in their minds. They have to be blunt and say, "This room is terrible this way. I hate it. But it does have potential." And that kind of honesty doesn't work when the nice elderly couple who've lived in this place for 50 years and are on their way into a retirement community are telling you how proud they are of their 1980's-era "remodeled" kitchen. And just for the record, the MLS listings refer to that sort of kitchen as "newer." Because it's not exactly "new." And it's not exactly "old." Ergo: "new-er." Meaning "newer than old." You can do great things with the English language in an MLS listing.

But despite the people with poor house-showing etiquette, we really like Montclair. And it's a good thing, too. Because I was beginning to get deeply depressed by the thought that we might be doomed to an all-out suburban hell in New Jersey. But then we discovered Montclair and we were pleasantly surprised to find that people still do a thing called "walking" there. It feels a little bit like Takoma Park in DC, or the NDG area of Montreal, only with a bigger "downtown" strip. It's got much more of a "city" feel than any of the other NJ townships we've looked at. And there's even this thing called "diversity" there, too, which is always good and necessary. Like many of the townships we've looked at, the majority of households have children and the schools are good, and that's great in case things ever lead that way for C and me. But unlike a lot of the other townships we looked at, there is also a good percentage of the population that don't have kids. And that's nice too, because it means that the local coffee shops aren't crawling with teens and tweens and the restaurants have less in the way of crying babies. The commute is good too. It's only a 35-minute drive to C's office further west. And only a 30-minute bus or train to Manhattan.

So things are looking up. We've come close to extending an offer on a few houses. But in this market we have the luxury of being picky, and so we have been. We're playing tug-o-war with two opposing inclinations. It's the usual dilemma when you're trying to stay within a certain price range: 1) find the place with the best possible location but which still needs work done to it, or 2) find the house in the best possible condition, even if it means not being exactly where you'd like to be. But we're going to have to make a decision soon, or else find some temporary housing, which isn't appealing because it means two moves instead of one.

So later this week, like last week, and the week before, it'll be back up the I-95 to open some more closet doors. And hopefully this will all be coming to an end soon. Along with the relentless back and forth. And once we're settled, you're welcome to come visit — and open the closet doors — anytime you like. Just ignore the jars of mayonnaise.

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