I sometimes take a break from droning on about my life in order to share with you all some nugget of wisdom I've learned about subjects ranging from grilling to hanging drywall. It's because I'm not selfish when it comes to knowledge and I see the sharing of it as a sort of public service. So in honor of tax day, which is coming up, I thought I would finally publish my time-tested method* for getting my taxes done on time and in order. It might be too late to put these lessons into effect for your 2007 taxes, but it's the perfect time to start thinking about 2008!

Step 1: Plan Ahead

It's important to start your tax planning early! So this first step is crucial, and it's honestly the bulk of what you need to do. So if you get this one down, you're pretty much set. Here it is: beginning on April 16th, right after you file your previous year's tax return, go ahead and completely ignore your finances until sometime in early March of the following year. This is harder than you think. Obviously, you will still need to pay your bills, and watch your bank balance. You know, to ensure you don't go bankrupt. The trick, however, is this: as you're spending and depositing money, you want to make it as hard as possible to figure out exactly where any of that money came from or where it went.

There are a variety of ways you can do this. Let me tell you a few of my techniques, just to get you started. First, if somebody pays you money, just deposit it without making any record as to why you received it or who gave it to you.

Second, try scattering your check stubs and receipts haphazardly, in various locations around your house. The less rhyme or reason, the better. Leave a few in your car glove compartment. Or in the pocket of a coat you only wore once. Or—my personal favorite—the bread-box.

Try putting an uncashed check somewhere you'll never look.

Oh, and here's one that works well for me: instead of writing down payments you make in some sort of paper-based or electronic register, just file them in your brain, where they are sure to remain for about as long as it takes you to drink a cup of coffee.

I'm sure you're thinking, "This is so much info! How am I supposed to remember all of this?" I know it may seem like a lot to absorb all at once, and right now it may not seem very intuitive. But believe me, once you get the hang of it, you'll find it gets easier and easier.

Step 2: Keep it Interesting

Nobody likes doing a boring tax return. And nothing says "boring" like staying in one place. That's why I've recently added this step to my usual bag of tricks. But it's not for everybody. If "plain vanilla" tax returns are your thing, you may want to skip this part. But if you're looking for a little something different, I've found you can really spice things up by living (and doing business in) at least three different states throughout the tax year. And if you're really feeling adventurous, go ahead and buy a property in one of those states and then sell it. You know, just real quick-like. Just buy it, and live in it for a month, and then sell that sucker. It's kind of a rush. And don't forget to adhere to the principals outlined in Step 1 while conducting all business. I can't underscore enough how important that first step is.

Step 3: Be Productive

Starting in early March, start looking for ways that you can be productive without actually doing your taxes or anything else related to your finances. This will make you feel great about all you're getting done, and will trick your brain into forgetting the important stuff you're neglecting, thereby halting any annoying anxiety that could develop. It helps if you have a real business project to work on, as this will give your procrastination purpose. But in lieu of that, you can also try doing busywork or running errands that are under no time crunch whatsoever. For me, blogging works nicely. But feel free to stretch your creative muscle here. The key is to feel productive while completely ignoring the impending tax day.

Step 4: Stay in Good Mental Condition through Proper Diet

By late March, you may find it harder and harder to ignore the looming date. And your efforts at being productive might not have the same mollifying effect. So at this point, it may help to begin consuming large amounts of alcohol. There's no strict formula here, but basically you want to try to drink more than you normally would. So, for instance, if you consume, let's say, two beers a night, try doubling that. And adding a shot. Or if you're usually a cocktail-with-dinner type of a person, try two cocktails. And a glass of wine. If you don't drink at all, you will need to start light and work your way up. I recommend picking up a bottle of Rumpleminze. It's sweet and minty-fresh and goes down (somewhat) easy, but it contains twice the alcohol content of other liqueurs. Therefore you can be pleasantly shnockered and entirely kissable at the same time. Which brings us to Step 5.

Step 5: If Necessary, Seek Help from Friends

Sometimes alcohol alone is not enough to keep our minds off of an important task. So another thing that can work just as well, or even better, is to engage in as much sex as humanely (or inhumanely) possible. Admittedly, this step isn't for everybody. If you're married, for instance, you'll probably have to rule this option out altogether. But sex can be a great alternative if you don't drink or do hard drugs, or if you do but they're just not working anymore. Depending on your level of anxiety, it may help to have sex with multiple partners, either at separate times or simultaneously. Just don't forget to practice safe sex!

Step 6: Focus

One morning in late March or early April, wake up in the middle of the night sweating. It would help matters immensely if you could try to have one of those nightmares where you suddenly realize you forgot to study for an exam or you're about to sing the National Anthem at Yankee Stadium, but you forgot the words ... and you're naked. Dreams are hard to produce precisely, so don't worry if you can't get this exactly right. The important thing is that you wake up in a panic. Then, you should irrationally exclaim several consecutive curse words, forming a sentence that makes absolutely no sense to anybody, and begin rifling through every file you have in search of receipts, check stubs, or hell, anything that has numbers written on it. During this process, you'll want to make sure you know the expressions, "Where the fuck could that have gone?" and "God-dammit, next year, I will be better about filing this shit." Go ahead and pick a room and then throw everything you have found on the floor. With that done, it's time to take a break and grab a bite to eat. You'll need your strength for what lies ahead. Be sure not to drink alcohol or have sex. These steps, while fun, are now over. It's now important to maintain a certain level of anxiety to help get you through the next several days.

Step 7: Consult a Higher Power

After eating, go back into the room where all the papers are now scattered. Choke back the fear and dread you have swelling in your stomach (otherwise known as "vomit") and while standing amongst those papers, tilt your head to the ceiling and pray to God to get him to turn all of this crap into something you can actually file to the IRS. If you're Catholic, or just feeling Catholic, you might want to go ahead and ask forgiveness for all the indulgences you've engaged in over the last year. You can try crying if you want, but in my experience, God usually ignores tears in this particular situation. Unless you're Baptist. Then crying is encouraged. But be careful ... this whole step could prove rather risky for you. You might be better off not mentioning Step 4 or 5 to God because he might strike you down on the spot. Keep in mind, this whole process could take as many as five or six hours, and there's only a slight chance God is actually going to help you. Still it's worth a try. Because if he does, it'll keep you from having to complete Step 8.

Step 8: Dirty Work

As April 15th approaches, don't expect to engage in anything resembling rational thought or speak in your natural-born language. For this period of time, you will have to think about these things called "numbers." And you will have to make sense out of them. You will have to dig up records of these numbers and be able to prove that they existed. Chances are you will be un-showered, unshaved, and you might develop a faint stink. You may remain this way for several days, so you should prepare anybody close to you so they are not shocked, horrified ... or made ill. Occasionally, you will revert back to Step 7 and plead with God to end your misery. You will certainly cry. But do not worry. This is completely normal and means you've done everything up to now correctly. Throughout this final step, you will feel an irresistible urge to re-visit Steps 4 and 5. But this would be a terrible distraction. And besides, with the way you look now, you would run the risk of being arrested. There will be plenty of time for all that next year. For now, you've got to plow through this shit, brother.

That's it! When you've completed these eight steps, you will be tired and you might have difficulty remembering your name or how to chew food. Therefore, you may want to sleep for a few days ... and rest easy knowing that next year you'll have the opportunity to do it all over again.

* Warning: I'm not a CPA or any other form of accounting professional, so any advice I have to offer in regard to matters of finance could actually do you physical harm.

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