In Which I Mention Jesus, Lennon, and Cobain in the Same Post

Thursday, July 24, 2008 | comments (8)
When I told Honey I had posted a video of her carrying that paper across the street, she was like, "Oh, Christ, Dad. What's next, then? Talking about how it seems only yesterday I was this big or carrying around my lost baby teeth to show the neighbors?"

I thumbed the premolar in my pocket. "Of course not!" I said.

The weird part wasn't that Honey, you know ... spoke. It was that she spoke with an English accent. It wasn't exactly a proper, "Received English" kind of English, but it wasn't quite an East End of London, Cockney type of thing, either. It reminded me of the Beatles. She had a sort of nasal thing going on. Like John.

"Is that Scouse?" I asked her.

"'Tis. What of it?"

"Where did you pick that up?"

"It's a long story ..."

Apparently, even though Honey's mom, a Pit Bull, was from North Jersey, her dad, a German Shepherd, Vizsla mix, came over from Liverpool on a cargo ship carrying boxes of Kongs. Honey had spent a few formative weeks with him before he left her and her mom alone under the wood deck of a rairoad house in Queens. Before he left, though, he had taught Honey her ABC's and implanted a bit of Merseyside in her speech.

Honey went on to tell me that she didn't like this trend of mine, posting photos of her. And now videos. She was worried this would all end in some sort of doggy blog.

"I know. I know. You're right. But the strange thing is I don't really care. I just don't get it. I've lost my perspective on this shit. I guess I'm feeling old," I explained. "I mean, listen to this: did you know that the baby on the cover of Nirvana's Nevermind album is now 17 and is close to graduating high school?"

Honey just stared at me blankly.

"Sorry. I'll play it for you sometime. It's a terrible cliché to say this, but the album changed my life. Which probably isn't entirely accurate. It's more likely that my life was changing anyway, and that album just happened to serve as a soundtrack for it. And it's just weird. That baby ... is now a freakin' teenager. Which also makes me realize that Kurt Cobain died 14 years ago. And at some point after that we wound up with Techno. And I'm not sure which of those two things is more tragic."

"Jesus, Dad. Snap out of it, mate. Stop living in the past. Look, here's what I'm saying: You can write about me. Just tell people the real shit, man. You know ... what it's like for me out there on the streets. About my friend Riley who lives across the street and who's a lot of fun to play with and all, but you know—just between you and me—the bloke is a few short of a full bag of goodies, ain't he? Or those Daschunds, Oscar and Woody. Holy crap. Those two take the piss out of me every time we pass them on the street. Their constant name-calling. All I want to do is play and they're all making fun of my ears and asking when I'm going to grow into these feet and shit like that. I think I'll probably eat one of them one day when I'm bigger. Then there's that crazy Italian Greyhound, Lucus, who never says a thing, but looks like he's got all this pent-up sexual frustration, poor thing. You should talk about this shit, Dad. This is real bloody doggy drama, right here in the North Jersey burbs."

"I'll keep it in mind," I said. "You just concentrate on not pulling on your leash, and let me worry about the blog, okay?"

"Whatever," she said, and went back to a rawhide.

Adolescents.

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Comments

I did not know Honey was part Vizsla. My ex had 3. They are beautiful dogs.

Posted by Mr. Emily on Jul 25, 2008 at 8:06:09 AM
sounds like you been smokin dat tweed.

Posted by KateR on Jul 25, 2008 at 1:43:11 PM
I thought I heard Honey call me mate and her ending her sentences with a questioning lilt, but I thought that was probably the Patron. Lil Limey Honey.

Posted by kim on Jul 25, 2008 at 4:36:54 PM
I love this post by the way. I have to giggle cause being a pet owner can make you crazy. I don't yet see a link to Honey's Dogster page, but it should be long, should it?

Posted by kim on Jul 25, 2008 at 4:39:02 PM
Mr.E: I'd never heard of a Vizsla before Honey. They have cool eyes.

Kate: Nope, that's just my brain, raw and unfiltered and uninfluenced by any sort of chemical (except maybe caffeine). I wish I could blame it on the whacky tobaccy.

kim: Crazy? I don't know what you mean. Honey really did talk to me. With an English accent. The rest of you believe me, don't you?

Posted by rothko on Jul 26, 2008 at 6:06:28 PM
he smokes. all smokers lie about smoking. right big daddy smokey?

Posted by j on Jul 28, 2008 at 12:31:22 AM
j: Nothing. I know nothing. But Honey partakes. Maybe it's second-hand smoke I'm a-catchin'?

BTW, Honey also makes these weird-tasting brownies which make my butt feel all funny. I dunno.

Posted by rothko on Jul 28, 2008 at 8:32:14 AM
Dear Honey, hope you are settling in well with your new family. I am. It's so nice to be loved, isn't it?
Peace,
Sadie

Posted by Sadie St. Bernard on Jul 30, 2008 at 1:39:47 AM

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