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We met Lily tonight. So beautiful. Congratulations E&M!

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This weekend I bought the book 100,000 Baby Names, by Bruce Lansky. Now, before you go alerting the media, let me just say, it's not what you think. Not really. I mean, sure there has been some talk lately in some family circles about the possibility of C and I making babies. Sure certain members of our family would like this to be a reality . . . like, yesterday. I will not name names, but will simply refer to them in generic terms like 'Mom' and 'Dad.' But really, it could be anybody.

Let it be known: There are no imminent arrivals. At least none that I'm aware of.

So what's the deal? Why buy a book called 100,000 Baby Names if you're not expecting a baby? Right. Good question. Here's the scoop: I got it as a writing reference, as a way to help me come up with meaningful character names. I had read somewhere that these books made a great brainstorming reference and thought, 'Now, that's brilliant!' Names always hang me up when writing fiction. Is this person a Jeanette, or more of an Olga? A book like this would help me peg it down firmly.

So Sunday I headed off to the bookstore to snatch me up one of these gems. Of course, I quickly realized, you won't find baby-name books in the 'Reference' section of your local Borders. No, you have to venture into the 'Parenting' section, which, in my store, hides in the very back corner of the lower level. Unchartered territory for the likes of me. I guess I'd seen the Parenting section a couple of times from a distance. I'd even probably brushed by it a few times in passing. But I'd never waded into it head-on. A chill went through me at the very thought of it. I descended the staircase, holding back an overwhelming urge to turn and run, ignoring my God-given flight instinct.

It was quiet in the Parenting area. A lone bearded man sat on the outskirts reading a sci-fi book. He must have somehow wandered over near the baby books in search of comfortable seating. When he saw where I was headed, and how close he was to that destination, he quickly got up from his seat and made a bee-line for safer ground.

I was now alone. It occurred to me that if I screamed nobody would hear me.

Let me say that if you know you want kids, don't visit the Parenting section of the bookstore. It just might change your mind. As I glanced through some of the titles, I felt a sense of dread creep over me. How to Potty Train Your Child AND Keep Your Carpet . . . Learning to Live without Sleep . . . Why Does Little Jimmy Resemble Satan? . . .The First Year: How to Keep Yourself from Becoming a Raving Lunatic. Okay, these aren't real titles, but they're not far off. The primary message of all these books was strikingly clear: parenting was not for the faint of heart. And I believed them.

Look, all I want is a book on names! I pleaded. I'm not looking for a come-to-Jesus experience. Not yet. Let me pass and I swear I'll be out of your hair in no time.

Finally I found it: the baby-names shelf. Or rather, the baby-names three shelves. I couldn't believe there were so many books dedicated to naming babies. Despite there being so many, I was quickly able to determine which one I wanted, the aforementioned 100,000 Baby Names. For one thing, it was one of the only ones facing outward so it quickly caught my attention. But before you think I'm too easily swayed by Borders placement techniques, I did do some content comparison with the other books. Here was my criteria:

First, a hundred thousand names, quite simply, is a crap-load of names. It's more than any of the other books. More than 50,001, for instance. More than 80,000. More, more more. And more is good, when it comes to a thing like names.

Second, I could tell from a quick skim of the book that the author had done a lot of research on names and their meaning. Did you know David means beloved? Here's a couple of other random ones: Maxime means most excellent. Amandeep . . . it means peaceful light. There are names from every nationality. The number of names and their meanings is . . . well, staggering.

So . . . a crap-load of names . . . details on meaning . . . these in and of themselves are great reasons to buy the book. I could probably end it there, but then I'd be skipping the best part - the lists. There are dozens of interesting lists based on things, places, themes, beginning letters, ending letters, and so on. For instance, if you know you want a name that is a palindrome, then the author gives you several to choose from . . . think Hannah, Igi, Otto. If you think it might be neat to name your kid (or character) after a chef, there are several culinary masters to choose from . . . think Emeril, Wolfgang . . . there's also a list of famous doctors . . . think Doogie, Sigmund. The lists go on and on - cartoon characters, heavy metal artists, Japanese mythology, popes, explorers, kings, Lord of the Rings characters . . .

And then there are the lists that I find to be the most fascinating part of the book: the top 25 most popular boys and girls names by decade, starting in 1900 and working up to today. This is really interesting stuff. If you take my name, it doesn't enter the top 25 until the 1920s, coming in at 22. Then in the 30s it makes a jump to 11. The 40s: 6. The 50s: 5. The 60s: 2! Want to know who beat it? Michael. It's always the friggin' Michaels, isn't it? Think they're so bad. Bite me, Michael. Hard.

Okay so what about the 70s? Does 'David' see a number one? No luck . . . turns out in the 70s - the decade I was born - my name drops back down to 4. Shit! And it continues to fall until 2004, where it remains slacking at number 15. Guess I was passé even before I was born. I knew I would have made a great child of the 60s.

And Michael? Well, that show-off, he has been at number one since the 60s and he's looking to pull off another victory for the current decade. So I'm starting a campaign. You can do your part: if you're having a boy, for the love of God, don't name him Michael.

Incidentally, Emily will be interested to know that although she was late to the race, jumping up to number 25 during the 1980s from her prior place at 66, she's quickly worked her way up the ladder and currently holds a comfortable numero uno spot, with her closest competitor being Madison. Nice job, Em! Mary held the number one slot for six decades, but has slowly been losing ground since the 1960s.

I'd share more with you, but I don't want to spoil the ending. Go get one for yourself. You'll be glad you did. Only, bare in mind that it's hard to feel like you're buying a serious reference book with the cover printed in pink and blue pastels and decorated with giggling, smiling, and yes, sleeping faces of babies. Here's a tip for you guys: If you're trying to meet girls at the bookstore, go get yourself a big book with baby pictures on the front of it. You're sure to get at least three or four smiles from hot women. Of course, you probably won't be getting much more than that because, well, what kind of asshole comes on to a girl when he's holding a baby book? I suppose you could just say it was for your sister. Whatever you do, don't tell them you're a writer.

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