I've gone off the coffee, which has had some slightly averse effects on my head over the last couple of days. For starters, there's the constant lingering threat of a headache hiding just under the surface. It's a threat I've been able to hold back with tea, but just barely.
What's even more annoying is that I seem to be in a continual state of almost remembering something, which is an unattractive and slightly horrifying way to spend your day. The end result is me staring off in the distance with an expression that is not quite confused, but not quite cognizant. Sort of like the early beginnings of a sneeze. Now, on good days, my memory might be described as
slightly defective. But without the full jolt of a 12 oz cup of Starbucks, I would say it has become
decidedly flawed . . . and . . . um . . . not quite . . .
. . . eh-hem . . . I thought . . . was there? . . .
. . . Oh, sorry. Where was I?
Oh yes. So I've gone off the coffee, which has had some slightly averse effects on my head over the last couple of days. For starters, there's the constant lingering threat . . .
Shit. See what I mean?
Like millions of other people, my coffee drinking has become habit-forming. I like that expression.
Habit-forming. It gets used a lot, typically on warning labels.
Watch out: smoking cigarettes is habit-forming. Careful: taking narcotic pain killers can become habit-forming. Strangely, I've never seen the warning on a cup of coffee. But just wait. This is America after all. Somebody is bound to sue over this oversight eventually.
But if you have an addictive personality, the term is meaningless and a little redundant. It's like saying, FYI: Water is wet. I have a knack - you might even call it a talent - for making a habit out of just about anything. It doesn't need to contain any special chemical, get me high, or really do much of anything at all. It just needs to be there. And I don't particularly even need to like the taste or sight of it.
Nevertheless, I don't have an addictive personality. Really. I know this because my brain tells me it's true. And we can trust it. I swear. What I do have is an itsy-bitsy case of the OCD, which seems to turn the expression 'habit-forming' into a synonym for just about anything. For example, here's one:
bran muffins.
For the past several weeks, I've turned a simple fondness for bran muffins, into a disturbing fixation. Somewhere along the line, I got in the habit of grabbing a bran muffin along with my coffee each morning. Sometimes I didn't need to pick up coffee - sometimes I'd brew it at home - but I'd still step out for a bran muffin. And if I got bored with Starbucks bran muffins, well I would get one someplace else. I explored the bran-muffin universe: Cosi, Au Bon Pain, random delis around town. . . by the way, did you know Caribou doesn't carry bran muffins? Holy crap. Talk about a cruel discovery. Were it not for the expert negotiation skills and zen-like calmness of that barista, things may have very well ended in violence that morning.
Anyway, it didn't take long before the bran muffin became an integral part of my morning. My well-being depended on it. I started thinking about the bran muffin even before I went to bed. It wasn't just the thing I did when I got up. It was the
reason I got up.
When your primary reason for rolling out of bed in the morning is to ingest a bran muffin, it's time to re-evaluate your life.
Now take this behavior and apply it to something that's truly addictive: coffee. Things have been spiraling out of control for me there. It's time for a change.
But I should be clear: I will not go off of caffeine altogether. I see no need to take things to such an extreme solution. I'm just going to take some measures to cut back. First, as I mentioned above, I've started by substituting my morning joe with English Breakfast tea which, according to
this chart contains about 300 milligrams less caffeine than my tall cup of Starbucks's finest. And the fact that it's Starbucks, as opposed to other kinds of coffee, is significant. A study published in the
Journal of Analytical Toxicology by researcher Bruce A. Goldberger - a study described in this
NPR piece - found that there was about a 100 mg more caffeine in a cup of Starbucks than the same cup of Dunkin' Donuts. For years, my dad has been saying that Starbucks must put something else in the coffee because other coffees just don't have the same effect for him anymore. Yeah. That something else is about 100 mg more caffeine per serving. It's the equivalent of crack. And by the way, we're talking about the straight coffee here, not the
grande mocha lattes or
frappaccinos. It's more accurate to refer to those drinks as 'milk.' No, we're talking about thick black java, in large doses.
So yeah, the tea solution is working out alright, but even though it's a 'black tea,' it still leaves much to be desired. First of all, it's much weaker in taste. I like strong drinks - black coffee, hoppy beer. It's got to taste like it means it. And tea is a sort of half-hearted beverage. It
almost means it. And almost doesn't cut it.
The color of tea is all wrong, too. I mean, you can still see through it. What's up with that? A real beverage should have a thick, impenetrable quality to it.
Overall, tea is like a splash of water on the face as opposed to a full shower. But I suppose that is the point, isn't it? It packs just enough punch to help me avoid a headache - and for that I'm grateful - but it still leaves me in a bit of a stupor.
But the tea thing is just a temporary fix. I think the answer, eventually, is to switch back to straight espresso. At first this might seem like a step backwards, but a shot of espresso gives a nice boost with all the coffee goodness, with less overall caffeine - only about 35 mg per shot. This means that even if I have three shots of espresso and one cup of tea during the day, I'll still wind up consuming less caffeine than if I had only one 12 oz cup of coffee at Starbucks, never mind the 20 oz I normally brew for myself at home.
Actually, all this talk about espresso is making me salivate. Come to think of it, why should I wait to implement this new healthier lifestyle? There's no time like the present to supplant old habits with new ones. I'll be back. In the meantime, Happy Drinking!
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