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As it turns out, I have a fear of drawers. God. It's so humiliating. I never thought it would come to this. I really didn't. But I should explain, so you don't get the wrong idea. Let's see...how to...Ah! Okay: When Honey is standing next to an open door and her tail brushes against it and it moves ever so slightly, she jumps about three feet out of her skin and assumes a stance like she's bracing for impact of a nuclear explosion. Ears back, tail between her legs. She doesn't pee, but it's not from lack of want. To her, it must seem that the door has suddenly taken life and begun to move on it's own accord, confirming her deep suspicion that inanimate objects, like her rope-toy for instance, are actually malevolent, supernatural life forms, just waiting to pray upon her, which is why she must take them down. Closet door movement, or kitchen stove door movement, or sliding freezer drawer movement, these all scare the bejeezus out of her. And she's chock full of bejeezus, man.

So I want to make clear, first of all, that my fear of drawers is NOT this kind of fear. They don't cause me to jump in fright. And I lose very little in the way of bejeezus when I see them. However, like Honey's fear, the root cause of my drawer phobia may indeed have something to do with a general uneasiness when it comes to magic and all things supernatural. Because the thing I can't get over is this: once I put something in a drawer or a file cabinet, that item essentially disappears. Not just from sight. But from existence.

I learned from an article I read in the NY Times recently that I'm the type of person who likes to have every document and paper within easy reach, and I don't like using file folders because "out of sight" is indeed "out of mind." It's why everything I'm working on tends to be out in plain view, either on my desk or on the floor around me. This way I can always see it.

On some level, I guess I've always known this about myself—that I need to be able to see things in order to remember they are there. I suppose it's why I've always resisted filing things in any sort of traditional way. The problem has to do with finding the document, or paper, or whatever it is, ever again. I should say, though, that some things are fine to file. Bills, for instance. I don't want to be reminded that bills exist. So putting old bills in a file cabinet is a perfect solution for them. Moreover, figuring out what to call the folder is pretty easy: "Credit Cards, 2008," or "Utilities, 2007" or "Mayonnaise Expenditures, 2004-2006," (those were wild years.)

Once you've labeled the folders, then you just stick those suckers in the file cabinet in some random way and even though you have no idea exactly where in the drawer the folder is, you're fairly sure it's in there and all you've got to do is be able to read the tabs you've marked in order to find it again...IF you ever need to find it again, which hopefully you won't.

But what about the stuff that doesn't lend itself to easy categorization? Where should I put the great New York Traffic Ticket of 2009, for instance? In a folder called "Traffic Tickets," perhaps? But does it really need to have it's own folder? Maybe I should stick it in the car maintenance folder. The car loan folder? The insurance folder, since this is where it will have the biggest impact? I'm usually overwhelmed by the choices at this point and I just opt for someplace on my desk.

You see? It's the fear, baby. The fear of drawers. The fear of putting things away and never finding them again.

Several years ago, I started using a "box" system. It's similar to the system the professional organizer advocates in the article I link to above. Which makes me feel very smart for having come up with it on my own, and like maybe I could make a career out of this. Or maybe not. In any case, my box system has allowed me to have catch-all bins where I can toss things without committing myself too deeply to a specific category. I labeled the four original bins "Do," "Done," "Keep," and "Biz." And recently I added two others: "Receipts" and "Medical." In general, anything that isn't easily fileable will fall into one of these conceptual categories. And even if my brain switches on itself and decides that a different category makes better sense for a particular item after I've already put it in one of the other boxes, there's still only six boxes to choose from and I at least know it's in one of them.

You might say—and you might be right—that this really amounts to the same thing as tucking it inside a file folder and sticking it in a drawer. But I think the difference is that the boxes are right there in front of me at all times. I can SEE them. And the labels are there staring back at me. There's comfort in that. And I can easily take a box down and rifle through it during moments of sheer panic, which is nice. And then when I'm done, I can just throw everything back in it and pretend the whole episode never happened.

Believe me, it's so much simpler this way.

link to this | comments (5) | File:  Lifehack  Ho_Hum  Finances 

I sometimes take a break from droning on about my life in order to share with you all some nugget of wisdom I've learned about subjects ranging from grilling to hanging drywall. It's because I'm not selfish when it comes to knowledge and I see the sharing of it as a sort of public service. So in honor of tax day, which is coming up, I thought I would finally publish my time-tested method* for getting my taxes done on time and in order.

Step 1: Plan Ahead

It's important to start your tax planning early! So this first step is crucial, and it's honestly the bulk of what you need to do. Beginning on April 16th, right after you file your previous year's tax return, go ahead and completely ignore your finances until sometime in early March of the following year. This is harder than you think. Obviously, you will still need to pay your bills, and watch your bank balance. You know, to ensure you don't go bankrupt. The trick, however, is this: as you're spending and depositing money, you want to make it as hard as possible to figure out exactly where any of that money came from or where it went.

But how? Well, for starters: If somebody pays you money, just deposit it without making any record as to why you received it or who gave it to you.

Second, try scattering your check stubs and receipts willy-nilly in various locations around your house. The less rhyme or reason, the better. Leave a few in your car glove compartment. Or in the pocket of a coat you only wore once. Or—my personal favorite—the bread-box.

Try putting an uncashed check somewhere you'll never look.

My favorite: Instead of writing down payments you make in some sort of paper-based or electronic register, just file them in your brain, where they are sure to remain for about as long as it takes you to drink a cup of coffee.

I'm sure you're thinking, This is so much info! How am I supposed to remember all of this? I know it may seem like a lot to absorb all at once, and right now it may not seem very intuitive. But believe me, once you get the hang of it, you'll find it gets easier and easier.

Step 2: Keep it Interesting

Nobody likes doing a boring tax return. And nothing says "boring" like staying in one place. That's why I've recently added this step to my usual bag of tricks. I've found you can really spice things up by living (and doing business in) at least three different states throughout the tax year. And if you're really feeling adventurous, go ahead and buy a property in one of those states and then decide to move and sell it. You know, just real quick-like. Just buy it, and live in it for a month, and then sell that sucker. It's kind of a rush. Don't worry that you might be losing money. Just do it! And don't forget to adhere to the principals outlined in Step 1 while conducting all business. I can't underscore enough how important that first step is.

Step 3: Be Productive

Starting in early March, start looking for ways that you can be productive without actually doing your taxes or anything else related to your finances. This will make you feel great about all you're getting done, and will trick your brain into forgetting the important stuff you're neglecting, thereby halting any annoying anxiety that could develop. It helps if you have a real business project to work on, as this will give your procrastination purpose. But in lieu of that, you can also try doing busywork or running errands that are under no time crunch whatsoever. For me, blogging works nicely. But feel free to stretch your creative muscle here. The key is to feel productive while completely ignoring the impending tax day.

Step 4: Stay in Good Mental Condition through Proper Diet

By late March, you may find it harder and harder to ignore the looming date. And your efforts at being productive might not have the same mollifying effect. So at this point, it may help to begin consuming large amounts of alcohol. There's no strict formula here, but basically you want to try to drink more than you normally would. So, for instance, if you consume, let's say, two beers a night, try doubling that. And adding a shot. Or if you're usually a cocktail-with-dinner type of a person, try two cocktails. And a glass of wine. If you don't drink at all, you will need to start light and work your way up. I recommend picking up a bottle of Rumpleminze. It's sweet and minty-fresh and goes down (somewhat) easy, but it contains twice the alcohol content of other liqueurs. Therefore you can be pleasantly shnockered and entirely kissable at the same time. Which brings us to Step 5.

Step 5: If Necessary, Seek Help from Friends

Sometimes alcohol alone is not enough to keep our minds off of an important task. So another thing that can work just as well, or even better, is to engage in as much sex as humanely (or inhumanely) possible. Admittedly, this step isn't for everybody. If you're married, for instance, you'll probably have to rule this option out altogether. But sex can be a great alternative if you don't drink or do hard drugs, or if you do but they're just not working anymore. Depending on your level of anxiety, it may help to have sex with multiple partners, either at separate times or simultaneously. Just don't forget to practice safe sex!

Step 6: Focus

One morning, say around April 10th, wake up in the middle of the night sweating. It would help matters immensely if you could try to have one of those nightmares where you suddenly realize you forgot to study for an exam or you're about to sing the National Anthem at Yankee Stadium, but you forgot the words...and you're naked. Dreams are hard to produce precisely, so don't worry if you can't get this exactly right. The important thing is that you wake up in a panic. Then, you should exclaim several consecutive curse words, forming a sentence that makes absolutely no sense to anybody, and begin rifling through every file you have in search of receipts, check stubs, or hell, anything that has numbers written on it. During this process, you'll want to make sure you know the expressions, "Where the fuck could that have gone?" and "Goddammit, next year, I will be better about filing this shit." Go ahead and pick a room and then throw everything you have found on the floor. With that done, it's time to take a break and grab a bite to eat. You'll need your strength for what lies ahead. Be sure NOT to drink alcohol or have sex. These steps, while fun, are now over. It's now important to maintain a certain level of anxiety to help get you through the next several days.

Step 7: Consult a Higher Power

After eating, go back into the room where all the papers are now scattered. Choke back the fear and dread you have swelling in your stomach (otherwise known as "vomit") and while standing among those papers, tilt your head to the ceiling and pray to God to get him to turn all of this crap into something you can actually file to the IRS. If you're Catholic, or just feeling Catholic, you might want to go ahead and ask forgiveness for all the indulgences you've engaged in over the last year. You can try crying if you want, but in my experience, God usually ignores tears in this particular situation. Unless you're Baptist. Then crying is encouraged. But be careful ... this whole step could prove rather risky for you. You might be better off not mentioning Step 4 or 5 to God because he might strike you down on the spot. Keep in mind, this whole process could take as many as five or six hours, and there's only a slight chance God is actually going to help you. Still it's worth a try. Because if he does, it'll keep you from having to complete Step 8.

Step 8: Dirty Work

As April 15th approaches, don't expect to engage in anything resembling rational thought or speak in your natural-born language. For this period of time, you will have to think about these things called "numbers." And you will have to make sense out of them. You will have to dig up records of these numbers and be able to prove that they existed. Chances are you will be un-showered, unshaved, and you might develop a faint stink. You may remain this way for several days, so you should prepare anybody close to you so they are not shocked, horrified...or made ill. Occasionally, you will revert back to Step 7 and plead with God to end your misery. You will certainly cry. But do not worry. This is completely normal and means you've done everything up to now correctly. Throughout this final step, you will feel an irresistible urge to re-visit Steps 4 and 5. But this would be a terrible distraction. And besides, with the way you look now, you would run the risk of being arrested. There will be plenty of time for all that next year. For now, you've got to plow through this shit, brother.

That's it! When you've completed these eight steps, you will be tired and you might have difficulty remembering your name or how to chew food. Therefore, you may want to sleep for a few days...and rest easy knowing that next year you'll have the opportunity to do it all over again.

* Warning: I'm not a CPA or any other form of accounting professional, so any advice I have to offer in regard to matters of finance could actually do you physical harm.

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